Can you unscramble YOUR eggs?

Are thoughts and emotions like eggs...?

Clearly there has been quite a lapse in my activity here. No, I haven’t been gifted with a vacation but rather more tsunamis of life I am attempting to put in the proper compartments. When I originally started this little venture of mine, I thought it would be easier going in chronological order and taking a step-by-step approach. But unlike the order of a clock, challenges in our lives don’t always follow the same rules, do they? I frequently find myself trying to unscramble the eggs of my thoughts and emotions. And then I am overwhelmed with guilt, self-doubt and mental fog. I’m forever searching for answers to the relentless questions my brain likes to assault me with… How did I get here? Why aren’t I happy? What would make me happy? Forget happy...Will I ever be content? Will I ever be similar to the person I once was? The fun one, the confident one, the social one, the one that I liked… not the broken, fractured, scared and confused one that I have become. How long can a person go without laughter, real laughter? I’m waiting...still waiting, hoping…

So, what started the chipping away at my soul? Here is the quick and dirty of it. I'll tackle each one I suppose, at more length in the future. I didn't get to where I am overnight, even though I feel like it. The journey back I'm afraid, may be even longer.

One - I was laid off from my job of 6 years (due to rapid weight gain and hot flashes, unable to prove it). Two - In less than 30 days, just in time for my insurance to run out from my job, I was diagnosed with a genetic blood disorder, Hemochromatosis. The next 8 months, I underwent weekly treatments that zapped all of my energy. Three - Right after my weekly treatments came to an end, I lost my father suddenly, who was also my mother’s care giver. I then took over my father’s role until the COVID lockdowns and quarantines forced us to make other arrangements. Four - Less than 9 months later, I lost my mom a week before Christmas (her favorite holiday).

Positive things that have happened, still life changing…

After losing my mom in December, our son graduated from high school in June and began arrangements to move out of state for college where he wanted to build the next chapter of his amazing life. I am so proud of the man he is becoming and of his courage for taking such a huge step. And along with my heart gushing with love and admiration for him, my heart breaks because I miss him so terribly. Empty nest syndrome??? Sure, why not. (As I throw my hands up in the air, shake my head and shrug.)

Immediately after getting our son settled in his new place, my husband and I, then packed up our and my parents’ household (no time to go through it especially in our then, shoe box size apartment) and moved across country to a teeny tiny town to be close to his family. We bought some property to build our home while living in our RV onsite. We thought we would only be living in the RV for 6 months tops (we are going on 8). We quickly realized that things work much slower here in the south. The combination of southern mentality, weather and lack of affordable/available material has extended the time we had anticipated being in the motor home. Little did we know, we chose to building at the most expensive time in history. Our mantra has been … “Our home will be beautiful when we’re finished”. And then we say a silent prayer. “Lord, give me strength to make it that far.”

With all the recent hurts, wounds and confusion, I do realize that I am blessed. I try to come from the place of gratitude, rather than stewing in a "pity party" and disconnection. I try to focus on the best things that I have in my life. I have a beautiful son who is smart, self-possessed and brave to take on his new world. I have a husband who is the love of my life, even when I fail to show it, and who I could not live without. I have a few friends that are some of the most courageous women I know. I know that none of us are perfect. We are all flawed and aren't as graceful as we'd like to be at all times. But, I struggle to find the joy in life that I should be steeping in. I'm working on my inner Yoda, "Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." I say "I try" a lot because that is all that I'm capable of right now.